Somehow I'm not enough

Few days ago I was talking with 1 of my friend over phone. I’m not gonna tell her name or where she lives in this piece of writing. Lately she is dealing with a terrible problem. And she is always discussing with me about that problem, possible solution or the most effective step which should take next. Because most of my friends believe that I’ve got good instincts. So I was working like a support system for her.

But as that problem is not seems to solve any time soon, she is getting more upset every single day. So finally when she got prepared to give up as she thinks she tried hard and whatever she did it was enough…then I said, “So try harder, you did nothing actually, you are not confident about yourself that you can win that’s why you wanna give up instead of trying harder.” I told her these things only because she is a good friend, only because I do care for her.

But you know what I got in return to hear?...”Johney you will never understand, because you are perfect, your life is perfect, and which will never make you understand the problem of the people like me who is less perfect than you…people like you don’t know what it’s like to get hurt…because you don’t have feelings”

You know, it was just like a tight slap. I thought as she is my good friend she knows me as much as I know her. But alas, she doesn’t…No, now actually I think people don’t know me. They think my life is perfect…Because, I’m never late for anything like appointment/school/work, I never wear a shirt without iron, I’m super strong and confident, my behave is so far formal with everybody, everything is in order in my bed room, I’ve my meal in time, I sleep early, I wake up early, my parents are not complaining about me….What else it can be that people might think about me…

What she thinks…she got the market cornered on human sufferings? ...She doesn’t know anything about the people like me…. For last few months, every morning I wake up and I fail..And I look around, and everybody seems to be pulling it off…But somehow I can't..No matter how hard I try..Somehow I'm not enough; my so called perfect life is not that perfect.... But I never complain to anybody nor I’m showing off my problems on my face … because people like me never give up anything… even though sometimes we feel lost, little, ugly…and dispensable.

I can write about hundreds of other sufferings that people like me might have… So for God sake, don’t dare to tell me that I don’t have feelings only because I hate to disclose myself in public.

2:32 AM, May 17, 2009